Sometimes it feels like I might be walking the plank instead.
I have had to discard original goals like seeing a friend in
Washington State and relatives in Oregon as well as cutting out Yellowstone
Park all because of time and budget. I keep thinking of the lines from Robert
Frost’s poem Road Less Traveled:
…And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
…
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back… (Thank you Ms. Schmidt, High School English teacher)
The poem goes on to say that taking an unchartered path has
made all the difference. But has it? My
life, since I left a long career has been totally unchartered. Some people
think it’s weird. Some people think this is cool. Some have even said they are
living vicariously. But as the one living it let me fill you in on how hard it’s
been.
Never mind. Just take my word. It’s hard.
On this trip, I have a loose route of friends and relatives,
but there have been plenty of days that I do not know where I am going to sleep
at night. I haven’t talked about that and the worry that goes in to finding a
safe place to sleep. I drove 15 hours between California and Utah to get to a
major “hub” house (a cousin) just to feel safe and the drive nearly killed me…thank
God for my secret weapon, used only twice so far: Red Bull.
And even though I pledged to myself that I would not compare
my path in life with the successes in the lives of my friends and family…it’s
really impossible to make that little voice shut up. I am so proud of many old
friends, but it does yield to a deep reflection of my life and the wasted 26
years at The Orlando Sentinel…or were they?
The real truth is I have hit a wall. I am exhausted at every
level. My house in Florida was hit by a
storm and a smashed gate and a zapped dishwasher was the result. My health
insurance went up an outrageous $100 a month. Then in Utah I found out my house was being
swarmed by Carpenter Ants. For a day I thought I needed to fly back but my
roommates have been amazing even after one poor girl woke up covered in ants. Many
phone calls later, it’s being handled.
I write this because this trip has been amazing both
socially and geographically. Beyond all my expectations of amazing. But I am
not perfect or even close to it. And to not be honest and say traveling alone,
for 75 days and counting, has been hard, would be flat out lying. And to say I’m
not starting to constantly think of what direction may be next after I return
would also be a lie.
In a perfect world, I am a writer. Yet recently a close
friend told me he had read my entire blog from start to current and what he got
out of it was how good my photos were. Slap.
I mean, thank you.
Several times recently I have just wanted to stop this and
drive directly home.
But I know me and I will continue with my goal. I will shake
this road weariness knowing how many wonderful things are still ahead of me.
And because with no hesitation have I EVER regretted leaving my career and the
choices I have made in the past three years…not even for one nano-second I will figure it all out. Err, I mean God already has.
But it is way easier said than done…the walking on faith
part. And just like my year of sailing the world, I know there is a reason that I have wanted to
drive coast to coast for 30 years. I know that doing it now is far more
meaningful than it would have been straight out of college. I just don’t know
what it all means.
Yet.
Touched by your post
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blogs Edee. It makes me think about my path. You know you always have a place to stay in Atlanta friend. Oh.... and what pictures? -;)
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