I did it. I quit my job. I am heartbroken, scared and stressed but I am not sorry. I had guests in my home and was staying with my friend/business partner. But it was all clear, I needed to step away from doing business with a friend. Loading my car with five suit cases filled with what I took from my home, I felt exactly like I did leaving the sailboat I had crewed on for nine months overseas. Surrounded by my backpacks, I had stepped onto a dock in Bequia, West Indies: beaten down, lost and without any knowledge of what would happen next. But that was nearly 2 years ago, and I had found my way to another boat, my miracle, and had sailed on to the Galapagos Islands with a happy ending.But here I stood. Life repeats itself. For one year, and 26 days I have run a restaurant and bar on the Atlantic Ocean and it has consumed me. I have learned more in one year than any Ph.D. could have taught me. But with 10-12 hour days there and all the drama that has gone with it, I am lost.
One thing I know for sure, I am in no shape to interview for a new job. This tiny business had my heart and soul and I am so attached to it that I would tear up if they asked about it. I have been taken down to my core and I question everything about me.
In just three years my ailing Father (85) has passed, my beloved dog (18) drowned, and my cat (20) just died last month. The years spent together represent a significant part of my life. The loss is profound, yet in saying it with an overshadow of guilt...it is also freeing.
There is only one thing that I can think of to do. Leave. Go, just go and find "it" again. I can think of only one way to do this. Follow a trail of friends and relatives scattered across the United States and couch surf. My goal is not to have them listen to me, but to listen to them. To hear their stories of trials and survival. (obviously with permission and as needed, names/locations will be changed for privacy)
I believe that listening will teach me more about myself, about life, than any counseling. That finding myself again can be in the grounding that happens around people who KNOW you. People who love you.
I guess we'll see. First I need to finish up my 2 weeks, pack and drive out of this state. And I do mean drive out of this "state."
